Nothing hurts my ears like a moron tryna sound clever. “If (perfectly normal thing that happens), how come (I should clearly get a therapist.)???”

Unless your help is helping…you’re not helping.

Bruuuuuh it’s been like eight years. But Garrett Haake still totes looks like an ostrich

Me, handing out free samples: would ya like to try my patience?

Fuck this floating footwear.

I think I got my magic speaker. This is such a goofy quest. But I think it’s nearing its end.

Tim Walz has such dad energy he could beat JD Vance in a debate just by going “I love you, son.”

You call it an anxious attachment style. Back in my day we used to call it loyalty.

When was the last time you were home?

she is going home to make soup

Hey, it’s gonna be 70 degrees in. We York on Election Day- November 5th. So make sure to go vote for the schmuck who says climate change is fake.

Jake Paul is living the millennial dream of repeatedly punching a boomer in the face.

Hey, what's a cool, chill way to initiate the "I looked at the numbers for 2024 and it turns out you owe me $8,000 in rent" conversation with your roommate? Should I go wake him up?

why are they calling it "Luigi Mangione's manifesto" when they could be calling it the assassin's creed?

OPSEC is military speak for “shut the fuck up”

Pardon me while I chaot.

Fixed the movie. Something goes wrong on the AF1 on the way to deal with the celestial, president hulks out and saves the day but wrecks the plane, iron man rescues everybody on the plane, the president crashes into the ground and falcon still gets to surf a cruise missile.

Johnny Cage after Reptile goes invisible

You guys ever see that movie Unfaithful? Did you know it’s based on a movie that came out in 1969 and it’s NOTHING like the original?

We need to add Pink Floyd’s The Wall to that list with Rick Sanchez and Walter White.