Sometimes it's scary what a genius level drinker I am, I present the Ultimate Arnold Palmer

I could have played Scaramanga if the role requirement was based solely on nipple count

33 degrees out... my ass is so swampy that Shrek stopped by to scope out the real estate

I like to do the Rufio chant from Hook but instead use the word Patio. PATI-O! PATI-O! PATI.....OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Can't wait until stage 3 of re-opening when you can fart within 6 feet of someone. I hope you saved that mask...

I think stage 4 is anal

Oh man all I ate yesterday was 4 pickled eggs, I think someone called the cops on my farts

It's smells like a sulphur mine and the contents of Pandora's box had a stinky baby

Wish they would combine tinder and grindr and ancestry.com so I could save time on people rejecting me

I'm pretty bad with names especially my own

Trying to figure out what to order on skip the dishes is like trying to find the right porn to watch...It's a lot of clicking around until you eventually settle on Asian.

Ever get a blowjob so good that you feel like you need to pay it forward?

I just sneezed and my motion sensitive ear buds volumed up, so guess I'm calling in awesome tomorrow

Good to see {my close personal friend} Oscar Isaac, channeling the talent of another prodigy {and closer, personaler friend}... fellow Canadian, Tatiana Maslany. ❤️❤️

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Did the subtitles on Jeopardy! just say "No lootie no bootie" when the middle contestant bet $3000 on one of the Double Jeopardy Daily Doubles? I was only half paying attention but I swear I didn't hear them say it out loud...🤔👽👾

My resolution is to be more mature. Happy poo years everybody! 💩🎉 🤣

WHO WANTS TO SEE 10 BILLION PICTURES OF GIRLFRIENDS'S NEW KITTEN?! @ Calgary, Alberta instagram.com/p/CnVzuNHr41r/…

Talk about an announcement that would break the Internet 🤣😂🙏🌠🧞‍♂️ instagram.com/p/CnbYkG4uAcN/…

Twitter is called X now? Wow, how edgy. Is that short for XTREME? *someone* sure is nostalgic for the 90's.