“How tender is you bout the bitch” Me:

taking screenshots of the screenshots buried in my photo library to “bring them to the front”. It’s not a great system, I admit.

you ever got inside jokes with yourself or is that schizophrenia

just checked my funds looks like everybody getting tf out my face for christmas

me when I call someone back and they actually pick up

Fake laughing at work is exhausting af, just leave me alone bro 😭

“Eeeeeyucccckkk” is the funniest thing on the internet to me rn lmao

I’ll squeeze a hot pocket on a bitch back for playing with me

I Apple Pay everywhere I go. Idk where tf my card is.

“fuck this job” *goes to work*

from a young age i knew everybody was wrong and i was right

on my way to a meetup i initiated when i was in an extraverted mood

i'd use my last breath to say something completely out of pocket

I can not fake any form of intimacy, I have to really like you to even hug you comfortably.

11AM be coming fast in a hotel… like damn, let me find my stuff first! 😭😂

Me leaving my house at 8:07 am hoping I make it to work by 7:30am:

i wish there was a more intense way to express my emotions than crying. i want to burst into flames

Me leaving my house at 8:05 AM hoping at make it to work by 7:30 AM

Dear Apple, at no point will I ever text someone “he’ll yeah”