Ummm... I actually have no problem believing it's not butter.

What are the Kardashians doing that I have to keep up with?

Watching President Bone Spurs trying to read from a teleprompter is like watching a kindergartner learning how to read.

Last night, I had a dream that a hamburger was eating me.

It's a shame that they don't make tiny hotdog buns for Lil Smokies.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

I often wonder what happened to the kids who cut the crust off of their sandwiches.

I broke the news to my cat that he's adopted. He bit me and walked away. He's taking it pretty well, I'd say.

I've always heard about number 2 pencils, but what's the deal with number 1 pencils?

I can't be the only one who doesn't give a diddly fuckerino about the super bowl, the halftime show, or the national anthem singer.

Thank you, Hulu, for allowing me to choose which ad I'm going to ignore.

Anyone can piss on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.

I've been watching Miami Vice and my new celebrity man crush is Don Johnson.

So Donald Trump paid a porn star $130,000 that he didn't go to bed with? And he wrote a book called The Art of the Deal? Sounds like a shitty deal.

How do people get those pointless jobs where they just send like 3 emails a week and make over 100k a year with BS job titles like Associate Director of Planning and Operations?

Can we all just admit that iambic pentameter is complete bullshit?

Just saw a Cybertruck in traffic. They look even dumber in person.

Fucking barf.

Trumpster Fire round 2.

Why does the Pope always choose a proper sounding name like Leo or Francis? When are we gonna see a Pope Darrell or Pope Gary?