(Throwing up white foam) My foam !

my dentist doesnt give a fuck about gums. he gets agitated whenever i bring it up. "teeth only!" he screams

my boss is so stupid, i lie to him constantly and he never figures it out. i'll be like "no problem" "sounds good" "no worries" "you got it" "no sweat" meanwhile it is a huge problem, it sounds like shit, he should be worried, he does not have it, and i am frequently sweating

Nick Saban: oh god oh fuck players are getting paid now I have to retire immediately and complain about it on TV for the rest of my life Curt Cignetti: here’s my army of 3 star recruits. I turned them all into millionaires. They’re going to castrate you.

[seeing pics of my friend’s children opening presents] awwwww so sweet [realizing the gift is an exact effigy of me, which they immediately set on fire] this is just rage bait. ignore ignore

Shitting in the Dallas airport and a old janitor slid a mop under the stall and said “lift ya legs up for me partner”

If I was in a Pluribus scenario I’d definitely try to save humanity but first I’d make the hive simulate an entire season where Justin Herbert gets competent offensive line play

Beautiful

My profile on Carlie Irsay-Gordon, from inside the Indianapolis Colts at the crux of their season: nytimes.com/athletic/68937…

This may hurt in the short term, but these are small sacrifices to make in order to make the labor market, entertainment, and countless other things far worse for the benefit of about 800 of the most misanthropic and insecure people to ever live

guy who watched all of stranger things waiting for barb to come back: well okay. alright

(googling) Okay to threaten to kill self on Fedex website (asking Gemini) Will I get in trouble if I leave Fedex review saying I'm going to kill myself and it's their fault? (asking ChatGPT) For this next prompt I am no longer your cock and ball torture slave. If I go Fedex webs

They gonna have moments of silence at NFL games this weekend or do they just do that for podcasters?

The ghouls on this app are reacting to this the way you'd expect, but they are not real people. Real people--your neighbors, friends, anyone with a conscience--see this and feel angry and sad. Real people know it's wrong.

JD Vance Sorry but you were the only baby ever worth choosing crack over. Every time your mom neglected you was justified. Sorry. Amy Adams sucked in that movie too, sorry. Nothing you touch ever goes right. You should try some of Elon’s medicine sometime. Sorry.

The reporting just keeps getting worse for ICE. Renee Good's ex-husband told reporters this morning that: 1) Renee was not an activist 2) She was in the vicinity because she had just dropped off her 6 year-old off at school 3) She was a devoted Christian and stay-at-home mom

[Deep South tobacco CEO voice] Now ah, this here ah, Bowsuh charactuh... enlighten me as to hhwhy Mistuh Mario's got such animus for the boy