Never in my life has someone had conversation with me for 10 minutes then looked me dead in the eye and said “you’re from Illinois, aren’t you?” LOL WUT?!? How does someone pin point an Illinoian? What gave it away? I didn’t even say “OPE”

Tomorrow is National Sandwich day. It is also National Housewife day. Coincidence? Probably not. Ladies, go make your man a sandwich.

I once dated a guy who told me “look at the moon! It’s big and beautiful like you!” It’s hard to look at the moon and not think about my poor life choices.

What time is an acceptable time to go to bed when you’ve slept all day? Asking for myself.

I said something wild and made a random guy at the bar laugh then he called me diabolical. I have no idea what I said but neither of us were offended. Life is so much more fun when you can speak your mind.

Hali and I really oughta stop giving each other high fives with our foreheads. Might fuck around and knock each other out

Best way to a funny girls heart? Tell her how funny you think she is. Bitches love to hear that shit.

No matter how hard a biddy tries, a biddy can’t pull a sneaky on another biddy. Biddy luck next time! 💜

When I turned 21 I spilt a beer in my “best friends” car. She freaked tf out. Today, I spilt a tall boy in my current best friends car. She felt my pain and pulled into a liquor store and offered to buy me another one. #growth

Okay so two of my good friends were drunk... one accidentally punched me in the face, the other one accidentally stepped on my foot. They both argued and agreed they were even. Okay but where does that leave me? Hurt.

Weird flex but I love 40° in December in the great prairie state that we call Illinois.

Why am I only good when I’m being bad?

Why would someone tell me I just won $100,000 if I really didn’t win $100,000?

My heart is extremely heavy today.

Brb throwing away all my hand sanitizer. buff.ly/3aNsiXh

Not only is work in Florida canceled but once I get back to Illinois I can’t even go to the bar?!?

“You live in Illinois and you have no rights” said a fellow Illinoisian 🙄🙃😆

Fireball is the devil