my new bestie:

i am an old woman & twitter is my porch

they called him Sleepy Joe because we could sleep at night

counting cards at the tarot reading

Work. Work. Work. Stay hydrated. Go to the dentist. 10,000 steps. “What’s for dinner?” Insurance. Drink water. Pay a bill. Pay a bill. Smile. Credit Score. Check engine light. Go get gas. ALLERGIES! TAXES! STUDENT LOANS! Phone storage full. Email. Email. Apple $12.99. Apple

Love that my local AMC dresses up Nicole for all the big releases

emergency vet be like give us three million dollars right now or your cat gets the firing squad

🇺🇸 Housewives Politics Tracker Erika Jayne has donated $36,000 to Democratic elections. #RHOBH

Sorry I’m late for the custody hearing, there were no clocks in the casino.

I’m not addicted to nicotine I just really like it a lot

Soft launching that I want to get off the phone by saying “Alright well…”

“go into the light” and this is the light

I just really love Michelle Pfeiffer!!!!!

jack antonoff and lorde

Pet play but you're a gross little white dog with crusty eyes barking at a guest and I'm yelling at you to stop

D: Hey, you punk! You wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. But I warn you, I did time in Attica. Hooker: Attica is a men’s prison. D: I know. I was there a year before they found out. #GoldenGirls #Zbornak

has RFK tried just coughing really hard