My pee is clean and for sale.

tomhaverfoods.com

Tonight's lesson from the tank: Always be as nice as possible. It sounds corny as fuck, but it's beautiful in its simplicity.

At a White House luncheon, Teddy Roosevelt once entertained guests by throwing the Swiss minister to the floor to demonstrate a judo hold.

The French Horn is easily the sluttiest of all musical instruments. It's the only one you blow, finger and fist all at the same time.

If I watched all the DVDs in my apartment consecutively, I would die from natural causes.

Attention Hotels: Everyone has shit they need to plug in these days. Don't put all the electrical outlets behind furniture. #Thanks

Oh great the fucking moon's out again

Holy shit, it looks like Oregon legalized weed as well. This election is fucking nuts. People are finally coming to their senses.

superb day so far

No work today. = No pants today.

Fuck yeah Ribeye steak and stout beer.

I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.

As the food was being delivered, Chip yelled out, "tss hurry up with my turkey sandwich before it starts gobblin all over the place tss".

Truman Show Delusion is a mental illness marked by a patient's belief that he/she is the star of an imaginary reality show.