These are also two phrases that describe me.

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary Before 2009 I spent my time on the toilet much less upset at bad takes on issues. Progress!

One positive character trait I have is that my low self esteem prevents me from being a narcissist.

Gazpacho is just V-8 for people who listen to NPR.

#StPatricksDay Not going out to the bars tonight. If I wanted to spend time with a bunch of drunk Irish people I would hold a family reunion.

Dear @Twitter and @TwitterSafety, please reconsider your decision to ban @hnturtledove. This Jewish author of alternate history novels only defended himself against a Nazi troll. #HarryTurtledove is a national treasure, and he is not the one who should have been canceled.

worked in the legal department of a huge insurance company. Before I saw any info it was already in litigation. A sickening amount of what I saw the the NFL trying to deny worker’s comp for concussion related cases. I used to not care about football. Now 100% anti NFL.

Just an annual reminder: Any Halloween costume I wear is the “sexy” version.

I was on my college activities board in the early 90s. After awhile we learned never to plan an event on Thursday nights. No one would show up. That’s when Friends was on.#MatthewPerry

There are so many women in comedy now who are doing just the funniest things. I am lucky to have so many women as my comedy friends and mentors. Let alone all the ones whose jokes I love.

Neel Nanda was my friend. I will miss him. #neelnanda . Neel Nanda

Emmy Nominations 2024: See All the Nominees Here | Teen Vogue teenvogue.com/story/emmy-nom…

As a mediocre middle aged white man from Minnesota; all I can say is that Dean Phillips makes the mediocre middle aged white men from MN community look bad.

Sinead was right about everything.

What is the best aptronym you've ever heard? Does it top Usain Bolt? My arborist friend's last name is Underwood, which I think is pretty good... What are some others? (An aptronym is a name that suits the profession, literally or ironically.)

She died almost 40 years ago, but today would have been my grandma’s 30th birthday. #LeapDay

When ever I saw Richard Simmons on tv it made me feel happier. Last several months he posted stories of his life online. To me it felt like he was saying goodbye. He will be missed#RichardSimmons

I am from the American midwest. Therefore, I pronounce the silent and invisible x in espresso.

This cat looks like it’s about to guest star on Star Trek as an allegory for racism.

I am hoping fur an ironic Twilight Zone like ending. He becomes immortal, but ends up with a life sentence in prison.