In Victorian Toronto, no one folded anything, as there was plenty of room.

Few remember the pesky 'track touts' who, when the #TTC Yonge subway first opened, hawked bogus astrological maps of downtown, lukewarm buttered toast, and unnecessary escalator 'passes' to rubes from far-flung Davisville. Licensed historian Jeremy Hopkin exposed them in his 1955

Trying out some possible ads for my re-election campaign...

On the centenary of my death, I had visions of creating my own film, SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA HAPPENED AT THE WORLD’S FAIR, inspired by Bert Xanadu (naturally before his Imperial Six days). No rock & roll - just sun where there should be rain, and B&W where there should be color.

Due to the outbreak of athlete's foot among the Communist union of Imperial Six projectionists, we'll only be able to show this film tonight, as it's already loaded up on the old Soviet back-up projector in Theatre 3.

Tonite on MANNIX: Joe sadly muses that those were the days, my friends, we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance forever and a day, for we were young and sure to have our way la-la-la-da-da-da.

Not scorn, not admonishment, but merely anthropological curiosity is what I'm displaying here at the sight of a man wearing sandals in October. At this rate, by 1980, hippies will be ruling over a nude nation, unaware of its neatly-pressed past.

#007 fans, fed up waiting for years between films, will be mildly satiated by never-considered-as-Bond and nicotine-stained roué Peter Lawford as Bermudan secret agent Chumley Offspring (with John McGavin as his ghastly nemesis Dr. Altoona Pennsylvania) in PUCKER UP FOR DEATH,

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask Bachman-Turner Overdrive rock band singers Bub, Jeb, Eb and Aloysius "where do babies come from?".

As you can see and appreciate, work is now completed on the site of the upcoming Toronto Open-Toed Sandals Fashion Show. Our message to the envious Parisian? Eat your heart out -- if you have one!!!

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask Bud Olson, federal Minister Responsible for the Canadian Dairy Commission, "Kubrick or Peckinpah?".

Are you prone to slivers? Then sign up for the City of Toronto's annual sliver workshop, where you'll learn about the underlying properties of wood, experimental methods of sliver extraction (e.g. extreme jostling; hand immersion in liquid nitrogen), and how to endure the shame.

First courageous team of City workers prepare the Hellish Slushfields of Leaside for the grotesque months ahead. Bolstered only by 1000 Bovril cubes, turnip-flavoured pemmican and 16mm prints of Lee Marvin motion pictures, these men won't be seen again until May.

Milwaukee's never seen two cops like this. With their extensive range of allergies and kooky proclivities, they can sniff out trouble (and pollen) wherever it rears its ugly head. Bruce Dern & Paul Williams are THE SUSCEPTIBLES, opening Friday at the Imperial Six.

Say hello to the 15th Mrs. Xanadu, Princess Liers Vlaaike Appelflappen, heiress to the Flemish tonsillectomy clinic fortune. We met at Aikenheads, she shopping for skeet shooting sirens, me for a codpiece valise. Flirting led to playful hair pulling and then to several lawyers.

The year is 1929. Spotted by a Paraguayan talent scout in a toupee shop on Mimico's glamorous Molybdenum Mile, I'm cast in my first motion picture as Snip Envelope in HULA SKIRT HEIST. The wacky director preferred to film with the lens cap on, due to his radio career, so all that

Nazis on the run. Victorious Allied saboteurs drunk. Lots of rubble. Somebody's got to clean up this mess and forge a new post-war world, and it looks like it'll be up to Ethel Merman and Zsa Zsz Gabor as THE NUNS OF NAVARONE, now playing at the Imperial Six.

Guests on my CBC radio program THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT stay at the Shamrock Hotel, Toronto's only all-Murphy Bed establishment, allowing for en suite rumba lessons. The hotel offers unlimited shoehorn use, morning wake-up thuds and Gerrard Street's famous orthopedic pancakes.

Police called to mitigated disaster.

Annoyed by his sibling's literary success, bored by meatballs and enraged by all the umlauts, a Swedish food taster goes on a crime spree that police call "restrained". Impassive Nils Bengt Folke Ekerot is FÖRSVARSMAKTLOGISTIK LONGSTOCKING, opening Friday at the Imperial Six.