absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

i’m curious if China has fancy plates called America

i love finding money in my clothes. it’s like a gift to me...from me..

we’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap

dentist: ok open up i guess it all started when my dad left.. dentist: no i mean- assistant: wait......let him finish...

if you tickle me, i’m not responsible for your injuries

i feel bad for everyone who isn't dating me

hey guys, i’ve figured out military time, i’ll tell you all about it tomorrow at 41:00

that is all

my driver's side window stopped working, so i’m probably gonna starve to death

when you're trying to cry yourself to sleep and your boss is like "get back to work"

birthdays are good for your health. studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.