Person at grocery store: You have beautiful hair! 5 YO: You like my hair? Gee thanks. Just bought it. Thanks for the lesson in manners, Ariana Grande.

Server: Are you enjoying your holiday? 5 yo: Yes! My mommy got high in my bed with me last night! *I climbed up on her bunkbed and read her a story.

Emcee (jokingly): raise your hand if your parents lied about your age to get you in for free! Audience: *laughs* 5 yo: *raises hand*

Told my husband our toddler walks like a little drunk person and now he can't stop calling him Johnnie Walker. Johnnie Walker

My daughter asked me how much I get paid because she heard me say that being a mom is a full-time job and when I half-heartedly said I get paid in gratitude and love she said "well that doesn't sound fair". She's absolutely right.

My daughter just said "I want Daddy to help with my homework." ...and they say you can't have a favorite child.

We've been asked to prep for incoming Hurricane Ian, so of course my husband is hard at work organizing his sock drawer.

I like to volunteer at my kids’ school for the Easter Egg hunt… it’s not why you think though… it’s to check the eggs for the good stuff before hiding them so I can tell my child exactly which ones to go after.

Went to the neighborhood Subway® and ordered a foot-long wedgie so if you need me I’m on the next flight to Latvia.

Sundays in my 20s: encouraging that one friend who was dumped last night to move on while We Found Love plays in the background. Sundays in my 30s: encouraging the toddler to take a dump in the toilet while Mystery Doug discusses why we yawn in the background.

Ever notice how other people’s kids get a lot less annoying after you have your own?

My kids will literally choose Publix over anything for the free cookies. Today we went for the cookies, and came out with $40 worth of groceries. Much like every other day. Well played, Publix. Well played.

The millennial urge to post a cryptic Facebook status the minute someone slightly inconveniences you.

When my husband does something wrong, he hears about it from me for the next 3-5 hours. When my husband does something right, I hear about it from him for the next 3-5 years.

Me: *throwing up in a trashcan after an intense roller coaster ride* BFF: *holding back hair* are you ok? Do you need tissue paper? Wipes? Water? Mint? anything? Husband: *smirking* does this remind you of the good ol’ college days?

“That’s too trifficult to renenber!” and other cute things my kid says. What are some of yours?!

They say you can’t have a favorite child but my daughter just declared Mother’s Day weekend starts today and asked me to relax while Daddy does their night routine so…

My husband gave me the “night off” and had a sleepover with the kids so of course being the fun, reasonable adult that I am, I spent it by scrolling through 6359 photos of my kids.

I talk a lot of sh*t for someone who actually had a really, really good time celebrating Mother’s Day with the family.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re excited the radio’s playing Friday Night 90s on your three hour drive.