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One time I was out of clean Tupperware so I packed leftovers in a ziplock bag in my kid’s lunch. Apparently they’ve been calling him CHICKEN BAG ever since.

You guys like eyebrows? (I’ve got two)

you are so fucking weird (complimentary)

“do it scared” thanks but i have done everything scared. when is it my turn to do it calm

god, please, if you don’t want someone to love me at least make me a millionaire

Whenever I forget to text back it was an accident and I clearly didn’t mean to! If you do it to me though it’s because you hate me and I guess I’ll just die.

wanna fake our deaths and travel the world like we’re outlaws on the run?

Some nuns came to visit the 1st grade classroom today and were welcomed by a very excited little boy screaming “where’s the hoes?!” Catholic school is wild.

Not to brag, but my wife just described the dinner I made as “interesting.”

Please. I need him.

me: morning bud 10: [staring at nothing] me: whatcha thinking over there? 10: nothing. after I wake up I just need time to stare at nothing for a while me: I feel that.

everyone is trying to stop me from living más

“Your password has been compromised” you could hit me with a brick and I would not care

What did I miss about DMs?

if i'm sending a message in parts don't interrupt me. wait your turn