Someone asked me how I prefer my eggs prepared, and I said “In a cake.”

I have & use both a toaster AND a toaster oven. Am I adulting wrong? I’m adulting wrong, aren’t I?

It’s just about time to get changed out of my daytime lounging clothes & into my slightly fancier New Year’s Eve lounging clothes.

Ahhh New Year’s Day 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago. *starts crying*

I would be the Countess of the Couch.

Reason my 9 year old is losing his shit tonight: he wants a (real, living) baby monkey, and I haven’t been able to make one materialize today.

My kid told me he recently volunteered to go first to give a class presentation. I asked if he wanted to go first to get it over with, and he said no, that he wanted to go first to “set the standard.” So if anyone needs a little confidence, I know a kid who’s got some to spare.

I’m never more proud than when my 9 year old replies with a perfectly timed “up your butt and around the corner.”

The new Tesla “truck” looks like the fourth place finisher at a middle school science fair.

I realized today that “Skibidi” is basically just the adjective version of “Jawn.” And that probably only makes sense to you if you have teenagers & are from Philly.

My body would make more sense if I was 4-5 inches taller.

Sorry, can’t stay and chat. Told my dog I’d be home by noon.

It’s hot, damp, and muggy. Outside smells like wet clothes you forgot and left in the washing machine for 3 days. Coincidentally, inside also smells like that, since I forgot and left wet clothes in the washing machine for 3 days.

Mentally drained. Why did we want to be grown ups so bad when we were kids? Oh yeah, it’s cause we were dumb.

To my kid: Oh yeah, that’s not going to end well… Hold on, let me get my camera.

.Donald J. Trump you are a vile disgusting man. Petty and pathetic, you are a hypocrite who reeks of weakness and insecurities with no moral core. Regardless of the politics, the American people should be embarrassed and ashamed for ever having entrusted you with leadership.

It’s terrible this has to be said, but this sums it up well.