hey sorry i haven’t answered your message. it’s because i’m unreliable.

stfu before I open a nature valley bar on ur bed

Friend: You've been acting different since you found $20 in your coat pocket Me, googling "truffle water":

Forgetting to cancel the free trial gotta be a $100 Billion industry.

rip icarus you would’ve loved sunscreen

Oh your girl is “loyal”? Put her in a room with him....

my toxic trait is I think about friends more than I text them

I want to get black out drunk in Roku City

It's so fucking funny to be antivax. The creation of vaccines is arguably humankind's single greatest achievement. Unquestionably so in terms of the raw quantity of human misery averted. And a bunch of people are just...against that lol

In Iran if a 12-year-old girl is raped and impregnated by her father, she must carry the baby to term, or be thrown in prison for life. Wait, sorry, no. That's Alabama.

you know its bad when people start telling you you are the strongest person they've ever met

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

moon should be wearing the sunglasses. sun should not have the sunglasses. yet another thing i gotta fuckin deal with