Every time I see someone really ripped at the gym, I can't help but think, why are you here? You did it. You beat fitness. You can go home now. You're free.

Season 2 of #Ozark just dropped on #Netflix! Check out Ep. 8 and you'll see a familiar face as your friendly neighborhood drug dealer. Thank to Atlanta Models & Talent, Inc., Chase Paris, and @tarafbennett for the awesome opportunity and for your tireless efforts for all of us in the Southeast!

This morning a friend told me that they've never pressed the snooze button on their alarm, and I was like, oh, I didn't realize you were a psychopath.

Everybody keeps talking about Feliz Navidad, but nobody ever asks about Feliz Navimom

I'm so excited for the season finale of football! #superbowl2019

Excited to be on set for a network pilot for the first time! It’s been such a blast. Huge thanks to Atlanta Models & Talent, Inc., Chase Paris and @tarafbennett for the opportunity!

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Toilet paper has begun to reappear in its natural habitat. The earth is healing. We are the virus.

So if someone spells it "ya'll" instead of "y'all" do I unfriend them or what?

Aw, man, I was really looking forward to moving to Canada

Twitter just informed me that today is my 10-year anniversary of getting a, um, Twitter. And I've tweeted 120 times. So that means I've averaged one tweet a month. Honestly, sounds about right.

Facebook keeps giving me advertisements for queso from different Mexican restaurants, and honestly, I feel like they've finally gotten to know the real me.

Just farted on a zoom call, thinking I was muted when I DEFINITELY WAS NOT. So don't mind me, just over here chucking my phone into a river and starting a new life.

The inventor of the word breakfast: “I have a great morning meal— bacon, waffles, mimosas, you’re welcome. But it needs a cool name. Lunch? Cool name. Dinner? Cool name. Got it, we’re gonna break our fast. Let’s shove those two words together. And then pronounce them both wrong.”

My favorite game, Am I Hungry Or Just Anxious And Bored?, has really intensified over the last couple of months. I'm hoping the series finale comes soon so I can still fit in these jeans...

I say “no worries” a lot, but I actually have many worries.

A review of Spider-Man: No Way Home as told through a selection of quotes from my 8-year-old nephew that he said out loud in the theater this afternoon: “There’s gonna be so many Spider-Man’s!” “Oh no, they made a mess” “This is sad” #spiderman #nowayhome

Every time I see the name of the band Chvrches, I pronounce it in my head as "Ch'ver-ches" like some kind of weird indie-loving vampire.

I'm so excited to watch the season finale of football!

Recent studies have shown that, sadly, half of all carriages end in a horse.