I took an ambien last night and nothing. Brain just shut off. Totally sober now and the Jews run the banks because the god damn Chinese will stab you in the back.

We should hold a G7 summit but the food spread should consist entirely of psychedelic mushrooms #funwaystoachievediplomacy

#BeyonceandJayZ are great and stuff, but have you seen Solange’s performance in #BringitOn? Brings a tear to my eye every time

My mom in 1999: Don’t ever put your credit card online, these people can take all your money My mom in 2018: Have you heard of Craigslist? Three men from Harlem just came by and bought my coffee table

Why are the pens at banks chained to the desk? I haven’t written something with a real pen in like 3 years. Don’t even remember how to write q’s

Twist and Shout (about literally everything) #MillennialClassicRock

Fitness trainers are always talking about inspiring people. Apparently inspiring people to live with their parents because they’re always broke

Always gotta question a dime piece who’s single for like 3+ years. She either gonna smash your car with an ax or farts loudly in public #ThursdayThoughts

Bill Cosby’s Nightclub #failedtvspinoffs

If you’re over the age of 18 and you have an obsession with Mickey Mouse, you’re strange and I don’t respect you #FridayFeeling

When a dumbass friend starts talking about politics and you bout to drop some knowledge #FridayFeeling x.com/harrylylesjr/s…

If you don’t play Imagine Dragons in your movie trailer I will not go see your film. Period.

Love how mysterious Leonardo DiCaprio is. Like we don’t anything about this dude other than he loves bees and the rainforests and shit

In second grade my teacher wrote on my report card that I was argumentative. And since then, I replay our conversations in my head every day at law school. Peanut butter and fluff IS a real sandwich. Stupid idiot teacher. #TeacherAppreciationWeek

And there goes the ACL of #Gronk

I’m not jealous of Donald Glover or Elon Musk at all. No one is. All us guys are completely secure and confident and the reason we hate these guys are purely philosophical.

I actually LOL'd thinking of the sound effects.

It’s really easy to tell when something isn’t cool anymore. It’s when 50+ year old white people know about it #ThursdayThoughts

It's always in the eyes. x.com/abc/status/994…

“Our whole society is just a giant machine running on its own momentum. So I need to make more shoes” - #Kanye probably #MondayMotivaton