Found an old newspaper from Halloween in the 80s of me and my sisters and my baby sis def can’t see and ain’t bpa free.

The trouble with children is that they’re so awake in the mornings.

Marriage tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.

Yeah, what's this'we' business?!

Fitbit: You need to walk more.
Me: *straps Fitbit to wheel of truck*

I don’t need google I have a wife.

Glancing through twitter reading other people’s thoughts while escaping my own.

I'm convinced that everybody is slightly crazy in their own little way. Some are just better at hiding it than others.

When I’m having a blue day, I just throw the soundtrack to the popular eighties TV show “The Greatest American Hero” into my walkman and all life’s foes seem to fade away.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you’re about to step on a Lego.

The wind turned my hairstyle into a tribute to Cousin It. I might as well audition for the role in the Addams Family reboot.

Freaked out over seeing something in my eggs and realized it was my fork.

What does it mean when holy water sizzles when it hits your skin . . . just asking for a friend.

My 9yo is doing fractions and to help her practice, I asked her how I can get 2/3rd cup of water when I only had a 1/3rd cup available as we were making pancakes yesterday and she said “Ugh, today is Sunday, it’s a day of rest. That’s what you always say.”

My 9yo was screaming because I told her to get off her iPad, so I told her not to be immature, and she said “How can I be? I’m not even an adult yet!”