I haven’t tweeted in almost 2 years! #NothinNewToReport #AnnualTweet #MaybeICanGetBackIntoThis

#Tweet

How do I know I’m getting old? I drove like a bat outta Hell to work just so I could light my new candle I bought in Houston yesterday in my office 🤦🏻‍♂️ #CandlesAreMyCrack #BurnBabyBurn

Michael has had 2 vodka and tonics that we’re mostly vodka. #Yikes! #TweetInTheThirdPerson

You know when you reach that point of “ya I’m so drunk I’m gonna be sick later”?...I’m at that point. Bye everyone

I’m tweeting! I’m doing the tweets!

Why?!?! Why did I drink so much?!?! #Ugh #Regret #NotReally #ItHappens #NightNight

I’m gonna give away $5,000 to 3 random people who retweets this and follows me! ❤️ Quarantine is lasting way longer than expected and I wanna keep helping out. Love you guys ⭐️

“I’ll NEVER be dry” or “I’d RATHER by dry”?!?! Because one of those seems kinda iffy 😳😳 #RainOnMe Lady Gaga @ArianaGrande

Good morning @ReadytoSlamber !! I’m tweeting you! Lol

Is Apple Support gonna release iOS 14.2.1 for iPhone 11 at all? I’m having the SMS issues, too. Not getting alerts and SMS not going through. HELP!

I drank too much again. I’m typing with open and it’s difficult ugh. Sorry future michael. I know you’re mad at me. #Drunk

I’m convinced Netflix creates shows only to cancel them 😒 #RIPPartnerTrack #AnotherGoneTooSoon

I swear this plane isn’t taxi’ing to the gate. He’s driving in circles just to make go insane. LET ME OFF THIS PLANE I HAVE TO TOOT!!!

Dear Amy Schumer I was reading your book on my flight and I forgot it on the plane during my layover in Dallas 😥 I only got halfway through. #JustThoughtYouShouldKnow #ButWhatIDidReadWasHilarious

Heartburn is stupid

I mith my fwendth 😞

Mmmm I love me some faw-fee in the monya

Apparently “ignorance is bliss” is not a good enough reason to decline the “Sexual Harassment” training module at work 😒 #JustKidding #AllInGoodFun #ImTakingIt #CalmDown