A haunted house is really just hearing “what’s for dinner?” everyday until you die.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was going to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

"Inclement" is just a fancy word for "fucked up."

I’d like to say the little gold flakes all over my kitchen is from crafting but let’s be honest…it’s really from Modelo bottles.

Them: I can't believe you like winter more than spring. Me [killing spiders, flies and wasps in my house since 4 AM because that’s when the birds woke me up]: Yeah it’s crazy.

It's surprising how well this house plant listens to all my troubles.

I don’t know who needs to heat this, but stop shaking your salad so aggressively. No one gives a shit about “new year, new you”.

I wouldn’t do anything for a Klondike bar, but Matt Rife tickets?! Hear me out…..

I drank a Celsius instead of a Monster, this is a fitness account now.

All I’m saying is, of all the breaths, garlic breath isn’t that bad.

Ready for some On Patrol: Live • Community Nothing better on Friday’s! #oplive shots for “I only had two”

Someone of you out here judging others, sipping water from your refrigerator you haven’t changed the filter on for years.

It is morning in America again

Held up a cheap Bic Lighter at a rock concert years old.

Making plans as an adult, “well let’s wait and see what the weather is going to be” and then never bring it up again.

All Charlie Kirk did was have a respectful open dialogue with people he disagreed with.... Absolutely sickening.

A lot of blocking and unfollowing right now. He was a husband and a father to two young children and you are celebrating his death because of his political opinions. I have no use for a single one of you. Fuck off.

There’s so much ugliness online right now. People cheering on Charlie’s murder. I won’t highlight them. Instead I’ll just remind you of this: Charlie wouldn’t care one bit about what those people think. He was extremely aware of the existence of evil and of spiritual warfare.

Just to put things into perspective- Liberals were disgusted about a blonde being in a jeans commercial but not about seeing a man get shot in the neck in a cold blooded murder. Really let that sink in.

Being an adult is accepting you can only go hard for about an hour then you gotta put it all in Advil’s hands.