Just laced my sons chocolate milk with a hefty dose of fentanyl. Whoopsie daisie🤷‍♂️ #wifesgonnabepizzed #sleepingonthecouch

I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk and beat her this weekend but I just found out the Easter bunny isn’t real. Easter Sunday is officially ruined. #atleastwehavesanta #betterhidebehindlockeddoors #SoPizzed

I think I’m pregnant. Fuck shit bitch #whosthedaddy

Holy shit I could use a blowjob right now

Wasn’t going to drink today but man I really miss oj #iftheglovefits #cancersucks #hedidntdoit

It’s official! I’m getting a divorce! Can’t wait to fill the hot tub with vodka! This feels like Christmas in April #isthisheaven

Fuck, I have jury duty this week. Lmk what verdict I should roll with

Being a faggot is gay and retarded.

After seeing that commercial, we are NOT making girls varsity flag football in highschool sports. Invent your own shit bruh quite throwing the word “girls” infront of men’s sports!! #weneedyouinthekitchens

It’s a damn shame there’s no sport for strictly athletes with BOTH parents at home… keyword:BOTH (yes that means father too) cause Valley Barstool would be ineligible to play. Maybe if you guys win state your dads will all come back. Fuck everybody

I could smell the fucking poverty from across the court…. Never want to experience something like that again. Might need therapy after that traumatizing experience. Maybe this time their tax dollars can pay for it. Fuck Valley 4L

Just fed my pet fish named hamball, busch is bringing back bapple, trumps in the white house… Life is good👍