Somehow, I am on both day 387 and day 0 of potty training my child.

The most unrealistic part of any Christmas movie is people willingly returning to their hometowns knowing they're gonna run into everyone from high school

You're getting all dolled up to go out or you're in your PJ's making memes. There is no in between.

New year, new MEntal issues

Your parent code name is your child’s belonging that is currently lost, plus the number of dollars it cost. WaterBottle30 here.

Accepting that you need medication is literally a hard pill to swallow, but realizing you wasted so much time feeling awful when you didn't have to- is so much worse

Therapist: Tell me what brings you here Me: My last therapist quit Therapist: Tell me about some concerns you have Me: Every time I finally feel I'm getting somewhere in therapy, my therapist leaves My therapist 3 months later: I'm retiring

I no longer wish to get down with the sickness

My 5 yr old just walked in my room half asleep and peed on my rug. I cleaned up and put him back to bed like nothing happened. Parenthood is weird.

My toxic trait is I eat nachos with extra cheese for lunch then wonder why im always constipated

I'm gave a guy my number on a napkin years old

There's a special place in hell for parents who aggressively honk in the school drop off line

Like your 20s when you run into your best friend at happy hour wearing the same tube top, except it’s your 40s and you run into her at the orthopedist’s office because you’re both old and falling apart.

Older generations sure like to pass a lot of judgment on our parenting as if we’re not in therapy as a direct result of their parenting

To think today’s kids will never know the thrill of making a collect call. “You have a collect call from Momitsme Pickmeup.” What a loophole.

My hardest decision of the day was deciding which girl scout cookies to inhale after my gummies kicked in so I consider today a win

I may not have all my shit together but at least i don't drive with my blinker on

Who needs the gym when you can put a fitted sheet on a king-size memory foam mattress?

Does your husband love you or does he buy dishware that isn't dishwasher safe?

I'm so looking forward to seeing all my mom friends at Target on Sunday