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Rat in a Hat's business model is terrible. He only has 5 customers yet is constantly trying to scam the bananas and teddies. Build some goodwill, Rat. Without their loyalty you're finished

Buying an apartment on the Ning Nang Nong and immediately filing a noise complaint

Kevin Pietersen deserved to have a longer test career than he did based on his performances. Based on his commentary it is obvious why they didn't want to spend 5 days hanging out with him regularly

[guy whose never seen a DJ before when one song fades into another] hey go back. I was listening to that

Came home to find my empire of dirt has been stolen. If anyone sees it being sold online please contact me directly. Police have been useless

Flew to Darwin on a whim to watch the Raiders big. Met Colin from the Tiwi Islands. He has sons named Gary, Steve and Bradley after Belcher, Walters and Clyde. He has a daughter named Ricky. I love rugby league

When you walk around and see multiple people chundering in the street before 6pm, it reminds you of how sacred this day is. Now I'll just hit myself in the head with a mallet and lose my mind about a welcome to country

Not surprising that the voting public resonated with the ALP message of giving every Australian a Zinger box upsized with solo as the drink

The best part of election coverage is the representative of the losing side on the panel being asked "you've eaten so much shit tonight and you appear to be going back for more. What is it about shit that tastes so good?" and the panellists going "yummy yummy I love it"

Retired detectives whose lives have been ruined by the one unsolved case that haunts them to this day love to receive taunting messages from the still at large killer

hell yeah brother

Well no wonder with that bloody name!

[Somerton Man calling into work] sorry boss. Can't come in today. Yeah I was found dead on a beach 77 years ago with a mysterious note in my pocket. Yeah probably won't be in tomorrow either

What's your order at the local takeaway/fish and chip shop? Leave no detail out

Stalactites in the home are a sure sign of a limestone problem

[English commentators at Lords] what a ground. Home of cricket. If the sun is out it's a road. Completely dependent on cloud cover. Did I mention The Slope!

Stuart Broad walking the boundary of Lords. Waving to the crowd, soaking in the applause. The ground where he averaged 27 with the ball. Bog average applauding bog average

Ben Stokes went for that review because he thought it was a drunk guy backing away from him outside a pub a 4am

None of the English bowlers in this test average better than 28. Which is awful but they don't have Jofra or Wood, I hear you say. Wait sorry, neither of them average better than 30. Bazball is a tactic designed to cover for terrible bowling. No wonder England lose so often