Ryan: “did you know if you have a kitchen aid mixer can’t nobody tell you shit?”

They can put a man on the moon but can’t figure out how to make a necklace clasp sray in place

Everyone on Survivor 47 looks exactly like a contestant that’s played one one of the last 2 seasons

What kind of animal gets a Frappuccino at 6 am

People have become entirely too comfortable wearing pimple patches in public

Ryan: What’s a guy gotta do to get 120 macarons for his birthday? I don’t ask for much.

I can’t relate to anyone less that someone who is “sensitive” to caffeine

In case you forgot you don’t have to say “a.m.” and “in the morning” because a.m. already covers the “in the morning” part 🤗

Why does IG serve me so much pickle content? I don’t even like pickles

Ah, nothing like Election Day anxiety to make you wake up before your alarm 🗳️🇺🇸

Mom? Can you pick me up? I’m scared (my mom is dead)

I fkn love that since the dawn of time Wheel of Fortune has been sponsored by literal eggs 🥚

I am SUCH a good person someone mistakenly sent their Sephora package to my house and I sent it back

I could not care less what states y’all have been to stop posting it

type of vibe i’m on

I deleted the iTunes app from my phone that feels weirdly illegal

I’m getting served entirely too much Elf on the Shelf content for someone without kids and who has already made it known that I won’t be doing Elf on the Shelf for my future kids either

Is there a setting that I can turn on so Snapchat never sends me another message ever again? Cause IDGAF about whatever they’re trying to send me

I’ve got to know are the photographers at JC Penney sick of people coming in to take awkward photos? If it was me I’d feel like people were making a mockery of my profession

It’s always the people with the audacity to say something rude that are the same people that throw a fit when you give it right back to them