A patient asked if she could see the photos in my locket, I opened the locket to show her the 2 Advil I keep in there, we both laughed pretty hard and now I'm picking up a locket for her.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

Do they have a cute name like Terrible Twos or Threenager when your kid is 11 and disputes everything you say including the most basic facts and even my own childhood experiences?

Even Dwight Schrute could tell you why women would feel safer around bears rather than men.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Sunday mornings are for steeped tea, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and cookies. Doctor’s orders.

Local rabbits give none of the fucks

It's a shame that none of these drugs have side effects like extreme happiness, Jesus abs, pyrokinesis, or something...instead it's like extreme diarrhea and you might wanna end it all

Okay, I'm ready for Fall.

[ At the gym ]

Gym bro: can you spot me?

Me (pointing at him): there you are!

Business idea:
An app that connects buyers directly to small farmers to purchase veggies, meat, eggs.

Lotta dudes getting tickets these days…

May the 4th be with you ⭐👽🛸 #StarWarsDay