It was easy for me to master reading braille once I got a feel for it.

Why did the book need stitches? Because it had its appendix removed.

Worst ways to answer “Why should we hire you?” #ScenesFromAHat 🎩 Go! 🚀

I went to the candle store today. They were having a blowout sale.

Saw a sign that said “falling rocks” so I tried and it really doesn’t.

What do snowmen do in their spare time? They just chill.

My dental hygienist recently won the local ‘Best Teeth Cleaning’ award. She keeps the plaque on her desk.

Eye doctor: “The results aren't good.” Patient: “Can I see them?” Eye doctor: “Probably not.”

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.

As a child, it was my dream to create the perfect bar of soap, but somehow that dream just slipped away.

How does a DNA molecule moisten a stamp? Helix it.

1990s: Never talk to strangers. 2000s: Definitely don’t meet strangers from the internet. Today: A stranger from the internet will be outside your house in 4 minutes. Tip if they have gum.

In 2020 we had murder hornets. Now it’s radioactive wasps. The next logical evolution: Surveillance bees with 6G. One buzz too close and they they sync your private bookmarks to the smart fridge.

One day I suddenly got tired and then I never stopped being tired.

My wife just confessed that she broke my favorite lamp. I don't think l'Il ever be able to look at her in the same light again.

I almost dropped my phone onto the soft carpeted floor but thankfully I have lightning fast reflexes and was able to smack it into the wall instead.

Growing up I never realized my dad was stealing board games from the toy store. Looking back though, there were a ton of Clues.

I’m feeling pretty proud of myself today. I finished a puzzle in just a couple hours, and the box said 2–4 years.

I’m sick of my neighbor leaving his sprinklers running all the time. It’s really irrigating.

Called my dad to pick me up from this sleepover I didn’t like and he said no because you’re 39 and that’s your wife and kids.