Kaidan catches a glimpse of Shepard's model ships, sulks for a fortnight. A rogue crewman eats all the potato chips. Space is very dull.

Shepard catches Grunt alone with a documentary on shark mating rituals. Jack does not in fact have any tattoos, you insensitive jerk

Mordin's parallel dimension research has yet to identify one where anyone likes Miranda. The Reapers' codename for Shepard is "Cuddles".

The Normandy crew race to prevent the Reapers from breaking the fourth wall. Shepard swaps Kelly for a far more useful 20th century pager.

Shepard attempts to explain that EDI has effectively rendered everyone unemployed. Jacob awakens the Elder Gods while making a sandwich.

Ambassador Udina finally works up the nerve to ask Captain Anderson on a date. Tali's "face" is the cruel joke of an uncaring God.

Joker notices that Samara's "meditation" coincides with broadcasts from Mills & Boon. Reapers attack Mars, are repulsed by ululating tripods

OOC: Mass Reject has been quiet lately, as we believe in quality over quantity. When we can afford to play ME3 + DLC, we'll be back.

OOC: If you'll forgive us one personal indulgence, please make it some thoughts on depression: lonelymushroom.com/?p=3416

OOC: Thanks for all your support, particularly the lovely TrinAndTonic and talented @skoolmunkee. Mass Reject will return.

Hello. I'm Mass Reject. You might remember me from such tweets as "Nobody likes Jacob", and "Oh Tali'Zorah, when will you learn?".

The Reapers attempt to demoralise humanity with a bitingly satirical political cartoon. Shepard sells Kelly to a Batarian taxidermist.

The Reapers are getting sick of these organics and their parties. Ambassador Udina does not understand why he has to clean the toilets.

Samara's gin-soaked wailing is the highlight of Liara's birthday party. Jack and Morinth have a night off to do their hair.

The Council claims victory over the Reapers by denying the existence of organic life. Strange noises are coming from Thane's pillow fort.

Xenophobic human party Terra Firma publishes their poorly-researched charter, and are forced to accept orangutan members.

A Collector ship is waylaid when its crew discover an ancient Pokémon temple. Grunt gets stung by a bee and ISN'T CRYING SHUT UP KAIDAN.

Revealing Tali's face depressurises the Normandy, killing everyone within seconds. The Reapers are just going through some things right now.

The Normandy crew fight to prevent the Collectors from monopolising the decorative plate market. EDI threatens to unplug Joker's chair.

Sneak preview, for what it's worth. Not that I expect it to happen at all now. Twitter is run by absolute idiots.