"Drop-off is allowed only in the White Zone. Our new extended White Zone adds six more inches of car space, so we expect things to run even more smoothly this year. Your car may not slow down or stop outside of the white zone." mcsweeneys.net/articles/new-s…

"Hey, man. Just got that little automatic email you generated trying to hack into my Instagram account. Dude, no. You do not want to go in there. Seriously. This is for your own good." mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-op…

"The day is spent for the most part in a glorious solitude. Like the hunter who moves silently through the woods to check his traps, she moves through the library, cautiously avoiding those whom she knows." (Happy birthday, Werner Herzog!) mcsweeneys.net/articles/werne…

Baby's first McSweeney's piece ☺️ mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-op…

"It’s been three months nonstop with my little darlings, Rifle (8), Brick (7), Eagle (6), Riesling Marie (5), and Paizleee Marie (also 5—they are not twins), and I’ve never been happier." mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-…

I'm on the cover of the latest issue of The Believer!

After a five-year hiatus, ScholarMatch's signature event, Trivia Night, is back! Join ScholarMatch on October 9 at the @cartoonartmuseum for an evening of delicious tacos, tequila, and, of course, lots of pop trivia. Click link for tickets and more info. eventbrite.com/e/scholarmatch…

A new Substackency was just delivered to over a thousand brave and loyal subscribers. Please consider joining them. (IT'S FREE.) …sweeneysinternettendency.substack.com/p/timothy-mcsw…

“Lambda Class” “Module” “NIH-K23” “Oral Defense” “OSP” “Over my dead body!” mcsweeneys.net/articles/overh…

1. Reaching for your wallet at a farmers market. 2. Waving to your neighbor on your way to yoga. 3. Gesturing wildly during an argument with your spouse over which Property Brother is which. mcsweeneys.net/articles/16-su…

"The Professor’s hands danced over the laptop and in one smooth and practiced motion entered the attendance values with a mass update and it was beautiful and it was terrible at the same time." mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-rem…

Haha 😔

"I hypnotize him by rapidly swinging the jiggly part of my upper arms." mcsweeneys.net/articles/ways-…

Help our dear friends at Sarabande if you are able!

"So they’re stacking wood, and I start to get nervous, cause this isn’t a campfire, this looks like a sacrifice. I’ve seen this movie before." mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-s…

"Now we have to start all over with Grendel’s Mother? And I hear she lives in a pool of water, in a bog. Always known her as a bog person. But then she shows up here, on land, steals the arm right off the wall—and now she’s a land person?" mcsweeneys.net/articles/beotr…

"I’m honored to have met people from all over the globe: in Tbilisi, I worked alongside a freelance copywriter from Brooklyn, and in Kuala Lumpur, I met a fascinating man at a café who works in project management in Brooklyn." mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-re…

"Sorry if I’m overstepping My bounds here, but you might want to rethink what’s 'prayer appropriate' and what’s not." mcsweeneys.net/articles/your-…

“Please note that the recent indictment of our CEO for embezzlement 🤪 is entirely unrelated to this restructuring program.” mcsweeneys.net/articles/which…