Books being banned by people who don’t read in the first place.

During his inaugural address in 2019, Zelensky told lawmakers: “I do not want my picture in your offices: the President is not an icon, an idol or a portrait. Hang your kids' photos instead, and look at them each time you are making a decision.”

From my father’s precinct in Texas:

Hear me out: What if we got sidewalks instead of a new football stadium?

I thought the person standing about 15 feet from me was holding a bowl of jolly ranchers and was hard core considering walking over there and asking if I could have one. Then she lifted a plastic fork to her mouth and I realized she was EATING A FUCKING SALAD.

I’m in an Uber in LA and my Uber driver just yelled “I HATE LA” That’s gonna be an immediate five stars from me.

I just cleared a baggage jam at baggage claim and no one clapped for me or acknowledged my service ☹️

I met my now husband mere weeks after this. It.. worked..?

I’m happy to announce that in addition to being married, I’m on the correct antidepressants and regularly go to therapy, which means that while I am much happier, I am also *significantly* less funny now.

What stage of capitalism is this?

Checked bags should be like the to go buffet at Whole Foods. What kind of bag do you have? A shitty cheap heavy one I bought from TJ Maxx. Okay here’s 10 pounds back. Easy.

I just want it to be known that my husband, a prolific sleep talker, chanted “yee! yee! yee!” and then yelled “yee haw!” in his sleep last night.

Just said my long heartfelt goodbyes to my favorite yoga studio, before realizing after class that I had not fully rinsed all the charcoal toothpaste off my face this morning. Bye forever! Enjoy your final memories of me having black shit smeared all over my face like a child!

twitter has officially removed the feature that tells you what device a tweet was sent from and i just wanna say say dorothy we will never forget you.

If you have anything bad to say about Bonnie Rait you are dead to me thank you

How are kid’s movies these days? Are they all about being an orphan or dogs having romantic relationships like the 90’s?

Legit call from the school: Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Taking a break from taxes to wipe the ritz cracker crumbs off my hoodie.