bitly.xaijo.com/teJCjh Can't believe I'm not invited to things I'd never go to

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Final words to David before surgery: "If I don't make it? Swear you'll have me cremated & snort my ashes off a hooker's ass." He promised.

Kids are worthless because they're short and poor. bitly.xaijo.com/JgbcK

Idea for getting laid: Have a friend on the east coast write down Jeopardy answers, then invite your flame over and blow their mind. http:/

bitly.xaijo.com/hANrOaH Do they have a pregnancy test for immaculate conceptions?

"Who the fuck is this bitch?" - Me, every time the local news gets a new anchor woman. bitly.xaijo.com/hInkCnS

bitly.xaijo.com/elmer I wanted to dress as Glenn Beck for Halloween, but I couldn't find enough ignorance and hate.

bitly.xaijo.com/bobbie ME: Tall, dark, toilet-trained. YOU: Pizza.

I'm texting random phone numbers with "I just saw your Facebook Status. LOL"! bitly.xaijo.com/colette