This Week's Onion Magazine:

They got sexy gene wilder from the bear playing Jabba the Hut’s son???? Fat motherfuckers can’t have anything

Recurring monthly meetings run by laid off coworkers popping up: You are still alive until your last recurring meeting lapses in Microsoft Outlook.

Bought a top of the line stroller, a few thoughts: 1. Never worry about crossing the street everyone stops 2. So much storage 3. Easy seat on the train 4. People get really angry when they notice I am just pushing a backpack and a bunch of snacks around for some reason.

It’s got two settings, Antarctica & Bahamas. Engine gone rattle like a ‘97 Civic but it ain’t gone fail you. Can’t even hear the TV when it’s on.

Napheesa Collier begins her exit interview with a strong statement: Says WNBA has been "negligent" with the state of the game, officiating and compensation for players. "Right now, we have the worst leadership in the world."

Man that Aesop sure did have some fables.

I give off enough I hate video calls vibes my psychiatrist literally gave me a “I think I can give you some time back”. Proud of myself.

Explain problem uselessly and endlessly to ai chatbot customer service person until finally getting transferred to a human, “How can I help you today”? Put that fucking computer on a performance improvement plan, why we starting over?

So does this mean we shouldn’t do tariffs and subsidize soy bean farmers?

I shit my pants in Ibiza to show Avicii I was cool and when I finally got sober I felt 10 years older but fuck it was a lot of poo.

I have a top of the line air fryer I can’t use because its beep scares my 140lb dog more than fireworks.

I still can’t stop thinking about this dudes name, cannot be real.

Have you considered providing validation only to notable and verified users instead of anyone who pays $8? Seems like that would help.

This is why I don’t work out and instead just eat lead paint chips with guac.

Can we build one high speed rail line? Just one. See how it feels.

AI: I bet this motherfucker wants some dogshit coffee.

Bouncing on it but it’s a pogo stick.

Clearly the enterprise ad business is back and thriving on this app.

Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe