"How did you get toothpaste in your eye" -Something I would have never said before kids

If you want a reflection of your outer appearance, look at a mirror.....if you want a reflection if you inner appearance, look at your kids

The Warden called me immature! I was so angry, I had to grab a Capri Sun and go swing for a while

Norfolk officials, after final inspection of the BAD(Big Ass Duck), were pleased to announced they didn't find any quacks

Just think how thin most of the populace would be if weight was based on brain cells instead of calories

Feel free to argue about over or under all you want, in my house, you'll be lucky if the TP is even on the holder

You young people and your "E's"......back in my day we got regular "Bola" and we liked it!! #Ebola

There's a new Meetup in your area: Celery, Celery and more Celery! Discuss your love of Celery. There are 3 Stalkers going to this meetup

Adding marriage on top of a life sentence, well that's just cruel

I can't believe they haven't investigated before, how else do you think Cookie Monster affords those cookies....dealing on Sesame Street!

The Warden has been "I'm not mad" at me all day, that's the last time I inhale then exhale first thing in the morning.

I feel bad for the person responsible for getting stains out of the Kool Aid man's bed linens at the retirement home

I'm convinced that men really like driving minivans, but buy motorcycles so they can be alone and not have to hear talking.

Do you think there were gay dinosaurs?

The Warden is working at a craft show and I'm stuck babysitting, I mean "parenting".... This is ridiculous

The Burden: daddy, I'm sunburnt Me: Hi sunburnt, I'm daddy! Dad Level: Expert

When milk goes bad, I like to imagine it smoking a cigarette, wearing a leather jacket and flipping me off when I open the fridge door

Sometimes I sit in my hand till it falls asleep so it feels like someone else is paying the bills