Trump realizes that if he tanks the US economy, he doesn't get a higher draft pick, right?

All of America is now the Ratliff family. #WhiteLotus

Chicago pope! Hope he serves deep dish pizza for communion instead of those gross wafers.

I’d like to announce my retirement as an NBA fan

Fuck, Tom Cruise is definitely going to outlive me right?

Trump is a sloppy fuck and he makes America that too.

Can’t believe we get a Game 7 and the start of World War III on the same weekend!

If this game goes to OT, should be Caruso vs. McConnell one-on-one to decide it all

Just screamed, “Go fuck yourself!” to a driverless car. We’re officially living in the future!

Feel like my Apple Watch is being sarcastic when it congratulates me for standing up.

Once you hit 40, your social life revolves around making plans with a friend, having a standoff to see who’s gonna cancel first. If a miracle happens and neither cancels, you show up, have a great time, say you should do this more often, then never see that person ever again.

I'm going to write a heist movie about me stealing all the Delta SkyMiles my mom’s been hoarding over the years.

“This is definitely the worst parking lot in Los Angeles.” - Me at every parking lot in Los Angeles

I assume everyone on a flight to Vegas, man or woman, is a stripper.

Oh no our government that fucking sucks ass is shutting down? What ever will we do?

Hey Ryan Smith, been a life-long Jazz fan. My dad (RIP) used to take me to every game. Rubbed a rabbit's foot to the bone (almost got us a title). Send me to the NBA draft lottery this year, and I guarantee a top-three pick.

Super Bunny, Bad Bowl

What if Nancy Guthrie’s kidnapping was just an elaborate ad for Bitcoin?

I have a solution to NBA tanking. Would solve everything: just give the Jazz the #1 pick every single year, no matter record.

Hey Ryan Smith, not too late to send me, a life-long Jazz fan, to rep the team at the draft lottery. I'll bring my rabbit's foot and guarantee a top-three pick.