Sarcasm keeps you from telling people what you really think of them.

People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Sarcasm is the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

That awkward moment when you're singing and the artist gets the lyrics wrong.

We all have that one friend who has no standards, at all.

If someone sticks by you during your worst times, then they deserve to be there during your best times.

Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

The only way I'm dropping pounds is if I'm shopping in London.

Believe me sweetie I got enough to feed the needy.

Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They laugh and call you something even more offensive.

I hate the feeling when you have to say goodbye to someone you want to spend every minute with.

When I exercise, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.

Doesnt matter how much you try and help someone, that person will only help themselves when they are ready. You can't force it.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

That one friend who always seems to be in a relationship with a jerk.

Open your mind before your mouth.

I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert!

Laughter is the best medicine. But, if you're laughing without any reason, you need medicine.

We all have that one creepy neighbor who never comes out of their house.