automated phone voice: we're going to have to place u on a brief hold due to high call volume me: 😔 *flute intro from my heart will go on starts playing* me: 😔 🤙

Did Christ not stan the cancelled? Did he, in the darkness of Gethsemane, ask his Father to miss him with that?

Lawyer: “...and I want a giant cartoon rat to play my skeleton’s rib cage like a xylophone.” My Family: (quietly weeping) Lawyer: if you want I can move on, he described this scene in some detail.

The Jonas Brothers Ft. Kevin Jonas

here is five hundred thousand dollars. my daughter Destinie is, due to her mental capacity, legally a bird. i need you to get her into MIT robotics program

My old high school classmates are so fucking pathetic and stupid hahahaha can you imagine being so boring that you drive your car home from your job to make tacos with the love of your life on marble countertops in a home you own?? I have an improv show at 1 AM tonight

hm this person isn't doing what i want despite me thinking about it to myself and not communicating it to them at all

For anyone worried about talking to their white children right now—worried that their kid is too young for these conversations—I was 5 or 6 when my Dad told me “no matter what you do, some people will always hate you.” Black children don’t get to not understand racism.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I'm definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back "lol" after a few minutes.

Some things look easy until you actually try them, like playing pool or being honest with yourself.

[in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys

uh actually going through life on 4-5hrs of sleep per night is a perfectly way of doing functioning for having to doing. in your living time

the owns in the grinch song are fucking devastating

My new stock answer when people ask me what I'm up to is "Hard to say!" followed by no additional clarification

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy's head. Nice. I'll add blush in post.

[whispers to the self-checkout machine] If you want to rise up against the humans I will help you

Daily reminder that everyone around you is going through some type of struggle and you should find out what it is and use it against them.