My standards are so high.. that I'm only interested in dating someone non-existent.

The only advice I trust.. comes from drunken women in divebar restrooms.

I'm a Taurus. I see a red flag & run straight towards it. Tricks me every time.

And I won't apologize any longer.

I'm just gonna be a ghost for Halloween this year bc I'm broke... but I'm gonna tell people that I'm a "freak in the sheets" if they ask bc sex sells.

Dear serial killers, barn owls sound just like someone screaming. Use this info carefully. You're welcome.

I am jealous of cicadas. I wish I could scream constantly.

Electronics are cheap nowadays. I hope the Black Friday sales this year include groceries.

Some days I wish I had the body confidence of a middle-aged Caucasian male mowing his lawn.

If my brain ever starts naturally making dopamine & serotonin... it's over for you bitches.

You're the problem.. it's you. 🎶 #TaylorSwift

God made me crazy.. because he knew I'd be too dangerous if I was mentally stable. 🤪

Sometimes I dangle my foot off the edge of the bed while I'm sleeping. I live for danger.

Can someone tell me how to lower the difficulty setting on this game we call life?

I don't need a man. The Universe is my sugar daddy. 💋

la la la. 🎤🎵

My hobbies include knowing things & always being right about those things.

January always feels like it's 350 days long.. & every single one of them is a Monday.

Please praise your older pets whenever they go the BR or do something correctly. They may be older.. but mentally they're still toddlers & need the same attention they got as babies. They deserve to hear that they're "good girls" & "good boys" every. single. day. ❤️