Have kids so you can find half eaten apples on your bathroom sink and baby wipes in your dishwasher

Sneezing three times in a row feels very dramatic

Don’t talk to me if I have a head cold and get slightly overheated

I don’t know how to explain it but there is nothing more satisfying than nailing a carpenter bee with a tennis racket

I love when people are like “I’m not one to judge” then say the most judgmental shit you’ve ever heard

When people say “I hate to say I told you so” they absolutely are not hating any part of it

Not to brag or anything but I got called a knucklehead and a dingaling all on the same day

Chardonnay is cat piss

Oof I can’t tell who’s worse Skyler or Wendy

I played a ninja turtle version of shoot fuck marry with my friends and now I’m getting non stop ads for ninja turtle gear. I KILLED LEO I DO NOT WANT HIM ON MY BELT

I’m having a I-can-feel-my-pulse-in-my-forehead kinda day. How are you guys?

Stranger things is entirely too scary for me now

Am I exhausted or does everyone actually hate me?

Is he hot or am I ovulating?

Why finish each others sentences when you can finish each others movie quotes

I’ll paint your right nails if you’ll paint mine

I overheard someone say that hocus pocus 2 shouldn’t be considered a kids movie like the original bc there are drag queens in it. Oh, so murdering a kid in the opening scene of the first movie is more appropriate for children?! Gotcha gotcha

My toxic trait is getting mad at people who love fall and winter every time I get a little cold

No one: Dateline: up next on “The Devil Went Down to Georgia Looking for a Soul to Steal”

Every time I am on a FaceTime call with a man I am immediately jealous of their ability to grow a beard to hide their chin/s