I had a full on dream that Taylor Swift needed my help blow drying her hair for a night of her tour, but no matter how hard I dried it it was still wet even though she had severe female balding

Dear LaCroix Water, please make the move to slim cans yesterday

Hoda Kotb asked the 14yo national spelling bee champ what he does for fun when he isn’t spending *10 HOURS A DAY* studying. His response was “play cello.”

Had the best wrong number call today🥹 Bob: Well I’m just giving you a call back since you called me. Me: hmm.. I don’t think I did? Bob: oh well I’m retired. I was just doing laundry. Me: okay well I’ll call you if I need you Bob: alright this is Bob Hawkins if I call again

Can someone tell me which Hard Rocks that Taylor Swift Eras Tour outfits are going to because I would like an up close view

Asked my European friends what we should do in Turkey and they said -Get hair plugs -Get new teeth -Buy a fake Rolex -Get scrubbed by an old lady in a bath I was thinking the Hagia Sophia would be nice

Just heard the tragic rumor (??) that BIBIBOP Asian Grill is no longer going to make their coconut milk pudding. If this is true, please at least release the recipe or I will simply die without it😭

Doing my best to avoid any more Barbie trailers so that the movie is as unexpected as possible 🥹

Pageant question: What is the greatest invention in modern history? Pageant answer: Vaccines Correct answer: Hit Clips

Can we bring back Jimmy Kimmel’s aunt The Bachelor

Excited to eat an entire cocktail shrimp ring for dinner tonight

Dog math: if I barf once, I can eat dinner twice

How do we not have automated vacation replies for texts yet

Where does our makeup go on airplanes?? I board with a full face, exit with only remnants. 45 minute flight, 10 hour flight- doesn’t matter.

Give it 2 more years and you’ll be hosting a Mexican jumping bean fan club page