when i was 12 I was at an Irish dance competition and ate too many grapes and ran to the bathroom to puke but i ended up running into the men’s room and i missed my dance round lmao

*playing cards against humanity at a bar* me: “anal beads wins. who had anal beads?” *MY FATHER RAISES HIS HAND*

This happened in 2013 and it is still one of the funniest things I’ve recorded to date....I give you: Sister Emily Slips on Homemade Ice Rink

my dad has been blasting Mongolian throat singing throughout the house for an hour #KeepingUpWithTheClucks

I love Oprah just as much as the next person, but let’s not let Donald Tr*mp’s election lead us to believe that political experience isn’t a prerequisite for presidency anymore

Call me old fashioned but

probably nothing scarier than hotel scrambled eggs

just spent an hour trying to find my lost phone in Houston’s airport for an hour and now I’m downing a double marg before I board in 10 min #blessings

I’m in line at Starbucks, I am sick as a dog, and everyone here is from NAMM. A man comes up to me and asks, “now do you actually work for the company or were you just hired to be a model for the show?” Happy birthday to me I still hate most men

I always love joking around and saying “I’m only one flu away from my ideal dress size” until it actually happens - don’t joke about that shit folks dayum hunny

A man at the airport just referred to the area where you put your shoes and baggy clothes back on after TSA as the “locker rooms” and that’s honestly brilliant

mood: Dwight trying to get revenge on the steamtown mall shop owner after boycotting it The Office “GOOD SIR”

whole whole half whole whole whole half

A message I just received from a kid I went to high school with. I do not remember speaking more than 8 words to him my entire time in high school. For the record, I don’t recall this ever happening but I wish it did

A middle school girl just ran up to me and asked “Ma’am are those your real eyes”

when i was in 7th grade i auditioned for my high school's production of Annie and i practiced so hard and nailed the audition and i didn't get in bc they said "orphans don't have braces" lmao

At what point does “you’ve gotten so big” start becoming an insult ? Asking for a friend

i love being a cashier so i can watch grown men buy lunchables

Honestly yolo Whatever is fine As long as they’re crispy Those french fries are mine