Imagine choking to death on the three coffee beans on top of an espresso martini and then your family has to lie about how you died.

Seeing a lot of “Everyone’s bi til a guy walks by” in celebrities’ comments lately. It’s like, imagine if there was a word to describe someone who was attracted to women AND men! It’s on the tip of my tongue.

“Other doctor? That's my brother Randy. Tomorrow he's going to jail for the rest of his life. Good one, Randy! Hey you want to go to Taco Bell for lunch?”

Adam Duritz: There is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring, and the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything. Me: Wow, that’s deep. Adam Duritz (taking a huge breath): Or the elephants will get out and forget to remember what you said Me: Right

If the person who costumed Lois Lane in the new Superman movie is one of my exes, please come forward and also I’m mad at you.

I have terrible news

It’s critically important when discussing Zach Cregger’s oeuvre that we remember Miss March.

It’s just… you’re calling them Lafufus when Labootleg is right there. I don’t know.

This story always moves me… her joie de vivre… her unburdened spirit… NEVER let eating your airpod get you down!

imdb is down. Can someone please tell me where Abe Vigoda went to high school. It’s important.

I hate straight halloween what do you mean you’re the dinner they never ate on the Edmund Fitzgerald

The internet is starting to realize that people from Seattle have an accent

Sorry it’s actually a masterpiece

Ngl, I’m gonna miss seeing shelves with the most random fictional characters imaginable in complete disarray at every store ever. Where else can you see Sophia from the Golden Girls wedged between Pig With House of Straw (3 Little Pigs) and Viktor Krumm?

Quit asking Grok to explain the joke. Grok does not understand the joke.

Saw the news about Larry Summers and was like, how is that possible? Did they have Epstein on the show? Did he play himself? Anyway, I was thinking of Larry Sanders.

Gay characters in ‘00s romcoms will say things like “darling, that dress is- how do I put this - ay chihuahua. You’re absolutely yabba dabba doo”

Did not realize my husband is the guy who brings ambrosia salad to the company party, but here we are.

The new season of Pushing Daisies better yassify the Piemaker or it’s no deal

They gave him a steak with candles like he’s a dog about to die.