if i get a boyfriend he’s my girlfriend

for someone who loves to sleep so much you’d think that i’d go to bed earlier

i sure do

green expert here: this is a good one

I will seduce you but first I have to piss you off a little. It’s all part of the plan.

Beautiful women named Severe Thunderstorm Warning are blowing up my phone

HUGE day for leslie knope

Honestly the only number that 3 really “owns” is 9. 6 is its own thing, 4 takes 12, 15 is clearly 5 territory, 18 & 24 are in the 6 family, 21 is embedded in 7’s lore, 27 only reminds me of 9 and 30 is obviously a 10 multiple.

ever since i was a little girl ive loved information

my southern family thinks my daily routine in NYC is that I wake up, try really hard not to get stabbed by a knife & then I go see wicked the musical

me if i was a detective: ok wait omg

i don’t understand why my cooking was garbage. i did everything right. i drank wine while i cooked. i had a hand towel over my shoulder. literally everything right

“Humans are perfectly designed”

i have tummy ache

the lion does concern himself actually

the lion hadnt really thought about it that way

sorry babe no sex rn, the groupchat is active and i'm trying to get my joke in before they change topics

bouncer didn’t let me into the club because i “bear the curse”. whatever the fuck that means.

please accept my sincerest oopsie daises