I for real feel like I'm cheating on my bf when I watch an episode of something without him. #guilty #netflix

Do you think #JeffGoldblum has great #style or just a great #stylist? Maybe both.

When purchasing a #SlimJim, always give it a little squeeze to ensure it's fresh. Also, be sure not to let anyone see you eating it in your car. #mysterymeat

You can now zoom on #instagram?! What is life if I can't hide my flaws with a small pic and a great #filter?

Remember when pistachio nuts were red? Weird.

"Mommy, can I touch your eyeballs?"

Today we pulled up to the drive-thru at #Starbucks and my 3 year old tried to order chicken nuggets from the back seat.

Where's the #amazon fairy who flies in at 1 am and purchases everything you've drunkenly put in your cart? #addtocart #saveforlater #proceedtocheckout

Once when I was like 22, someone called me "that Elvira looking bitch." It really stuck with me.

What do you do when you've finished all your shows and have to wait 8 years to watch a new season of anything on #Netflix again? COME ON! #Ozark #ThePunisher #StrangerThings #13ReasonsWhy #BlackMirror #Dark

Listen, if you don't have kids you don't get to call it #datenight.

Can't say I feel very comfortable in a unisex fitting room when there's only a curtain separating my nakedness from a bunch of random dudes. H&M USA

Being a #Mom is pretty similar to being an #indenturedservant with #StockholmSyndrome. #motherhood #parenting

Please stop saying "hubs." Please.

Dear Martha Stewart - Will you be my Grandma?

Hey Big Blue Bubble, nailed it?! #mysingingmonsters #punkleton

This morning in bed I smelled pancakes cooking downstairs. What a treat! But when I got up, there was not a pancake in sight and I only imagined them in my sleep. Disappointing start to my Sunday.

I chose sleeping in over watching the #royalwedding. When does the #royalreception start? I wanna see the #Queen with a few #cocktails in her.

My man feels more comfortable buying tampons than I do. Win.

I can hear a band down the street covering #SmellsLikeTeenSpirit. And nobody but #Nirvana can make Nirvana sound good. This is no exception.