Waiter: Can I get you something to drink? Me: just cheese dip Waiter: .... Me: With a straw please

I do a lot of things that people do before they go missing.

It took me the entire song of Stairway to Heaven to untangle my earbuds...

"You can find me in the tub" Al Yankovic "I'm not into taking showers Im just into taking baths" Work with that. Go.

This user interface blows homeless men with AIDS

Stand still I'm trying to ruin your life

@Fruit_Slinger hahahah I always share and hello my luscious love bunny!!!!

Smells like cocaine in here. *poops pants*

Fuck current events

Driverless Ubers don't care that you might get shot in Homewood. They're going through there anyway

Does everybody still hate that one dude who did that one thing to that one chick or have you all grown up?

@Kizisbomb Disappointed I'd hoped he'd given up by now.

people with jeeps

Just missed my exit because of Twitter. It's good be back

@koalaslament ūńčłê¯\_(ツ)_/¯grįppÿ Face fucks for everyone!!!!!!!!!!!

My stage name is Wicked Tuna