The only thing I like about war is the wardrobe.

Found out a girl I had a crush on met someone and he’s forcing her to watch all the Fast & Furious movies with her… so I don’t feel too bad anymore

I never made the school basketball team because of nepotism. But I did play on the Church team. The coach’s son also played but it was during a divorce and his dad put him in a submission hold for mouthing off to him during practice. This made up for any desire I had to play

Someone with anxiety always has to mention they have anxiety the same way someone with special needs has to tell you they are Italian.

My mom looks so young, she’s been mistaken for my sister, so it doesn’t look like I live with my parents rather my sister and I rent to this weird old guy upstairs.

Therapists replaced friends.

I asked my mom how she got her drivers license? She told her driving instructor had just been divorced from his wife and he said, “I hope you find my ex wife with your car!”

Old souls come from one emotionally unavailable parent and your guilt tripped to stay in and watch your mom’s shows Friday night instead of going to parties.

You can tell on how someone feels about the situation based on their pronunciation: I • ran Ee•rahn

My uncle became so religious he quit all his hobbies. I was like, “Why did you stop playing bouzuki?” He said, “Because it’ll make Satan happy if I do!” I’m like, “Whatever you need to tell yourself for not getting booked, I get.”

I like Coldplay now.

I was in line to get my book signed by Slavoj Zizek after he gave a talk. And he sneezed on the guy in front of me & turned to me and said, “I’m never washing this shirt!”

This like when Disney released “The Force Awakens” recycled plot, our government is the biggest hack ever!

When meatheads become old they’re HeadCheese.

Replace starting pistols at the beginning of races with dads sneezing instead.

Lois Lane is a bitch, Superman don’t need to keep fighting when he comes home.

Society doesn’t make sense, the people who earn the most capital do the least amount of work. And we also agreed to call orange hair & purple onions, red.

I feel if billionaires had a hobby they were good at and could put time into it every time they were bummed out about their shitty penis we would all suffer a lot less.