In this weeks Witney gazette (page 7) Amber Connelly states how her favourite colour on the traditional uk traffic light system is actually green

“Just For Pets” shop owner Tony Barker has rejected claims that he will be changing the name of his shop after zero human interactions over the last few years. “It’s been difficult” Mr Barker commented.

Paige Harris has declared she intends to go back to college and study English literature. The sudden change of career path has left best friend Lorelle Colleton very concerned though. “She’s on about changing her surname to Turner”. We wish her all the best on her new chapter

Chris Smith has moved to Tibet with the hope of finding a monastery willing to take him in and help him find his inner peace. “I’ve already got the hairstyle so I thought why not” All the best, Chris

All the best to Gary Gritter getting his debut outing tonight. Gary will be driven by experienced driver Liam Readhead. “It’s only fair I should drive him on what will be his first time on the road I’m the leader of the gang” said Liam

To mark the return of the rumours office being back in business the DM’s have been opened and if anyone has anything they’d like to share then slide in head first like Mark Norridge to the hot food section at the Minster Lovell Spar. All entries will remain anonymous

After watching Robin Hood 38 times in the last week Alex Coutts has bought a bow and arrow and decided to move onto the Ducklington roundabout aiming to ambush the rich and feed the poor. A man of honour, thank you and good luck

Mark Threlfall (Frapper) refuses to eat bacon anymore after he thought he heard a packet call him a shit roofer

Mike hedges has auditioned to be the next Tony the Tiger for the well known breakfast cereal Frosties

Michael Temple has announced designs to make his own darts out of play doh rather than tungsten. Despite initial issues with the pointing phase, often resulting in him scoring zero, he remains confident a cheaper solution to tungsten can be found

Harry Ebsworth has been released with a caution and warned about his future conduct for giving 7 stop oil protestors a Chinese burn across a 3 day spree

The life and times of a shagger - The Will Brown story, will be available in all good bookstores on December 16th for all those wanting to learn tips from the man himself

Catch folk music duo George Godwin and Charlie Brooks performing toe tappers on market square tonight from 10pm

Newly weds Luke Phelan and Ella Durant have shocked friends and family with news of their divorce. This comes as Luke had a stomach related issue on their wedding night leaving Ella to wake up thinking she was on a pig farm

Massive congratulations to Nick Denley for winning father of the year for the 34th year running

The fucking best ever #RumoursOverAndOut