Just landed! It's all red and shit. Write that down you floppy-dick science nerds. "red and shit"

Hey if I find new life, just so you all know, THIS shitbox is our representation.

I FOUND AN ALIEN!!! Nah, I'm fucking with ya'. I'm gonna do that a LOT though.

Grabbing some soil so you can study how this soil is different than our soil and...OMG TITS! Shit, no. Just more soil.

I bet you there's a science dork who cried when I landed. Ha! What a shithead!

If I get stuck between two rocks this whole thing was a big waste of time.

Hey Cleveland, even *this* is better.

Mastcam, Hazcam, Tittycam. You know what guys? I'm hopeful.

Hey can Mars be for Moms who look like Alyssa Milano? Because that would be GREAT.

I like how Neil Armstrong acted like this was SOOOOOO HARD.

I found the one place I can listen to Nickelback and not be judged.

Oh someone won a gold medal? That's fun! I'm just out here DISCOVERING ALIENS. That's all.

I just realized I can send hundreds of pics of my robot dick back to Earth and they gotta like, analyze it.

To my team back on Earth: thank you! You gave me Firestone tires. You can get those at Walmart.

Get ready, I'm gonna live-stream a bunch of rocks you can pretend mean shit to something.