Being a person is hard.

My favorite yoga pose is lying on the couch all day.

If there was anything my dad taught me it was to quit my bellyaching. Never ever bellyache.

First date tip: ask him if he cares about the bees.

My favorite song is all of them except the ones I don't like.

Foreign desserts puzzle me. Why all the sticky fruit?

It’s hard to avoid stupid people because they’re everywhere.

All exploration is space exploration

The good news is I think I finally found my calling but the bad news is I’m not sure there’s a market for professional nacho layer inspector

So ready to go away for a weekend and pack 45 outfits.

Someone asked me what I do for fun and I honestly do not understand the question.

Sneaker pimping my way into Tuesday like it’s the nineties rn.

We called the neighbor kid Red. He had the classic lines of a baby cardinal.

You know how a word sounds strange if you say it over and over? Ignore that.

A stack of books and only a lifetime to read them.

I like both hard and soft tacos. I guess this makes me a bitacosexual.

Me flirting with a lady at Taco Bell

That time I sent a joke to Reader's Digest and they cancelled my subscription.

good morning, if you're into that kind of thing

We go together like a toaster and a bathtub.

REPETITION IS A POETIC DEVICE POETIC DEVICE POETIC DEVICE