To avoid straining your eyes at work, use the 20-20-20 rule: Every 20 minutes, go for a 20-minute hike and spend the next 20 years in the woods.

Receiving hospital pagers today* "How do we charge it?" "It takes 1 AA battery"

Starting the first day of my residency in the NICU tomorrow!

With each pager I acquire I move further back in time

Trying to explain to my dog that we can't go on a long walk because of the aqi

Elon Musk is like a Scooby Doo villain who dresses up as a ghost to scare everyone away from the theme park but forgets that his business is theme parks

imagine counting tweets. can u count grains of sand on the beach? stars in the sky?

come find me on the new social network called "sitting near me at work" where I will give you one-liners and responses to the news when you are concentrating on a spreadsheet

"Sometimes I feel like I'm in my own personal limousine" - on taking the CTA bus

Really making a name for myself here (accidentally throwing away expensive sharps)

Man I love pediatrics. Yes, yes they did.

Apologies to the babies

I miss mall culture. Being able to get an outfit the day of an event and some auntie Anne's! Smh we used to be a country.

I can only describe the crowd waiting for this Friday night Frontier flight to Vegas as pleasantly unhinged

What am I supposed to do when I have a random shift off in the middle of working nights like

Sorry but I think if you're responsible for an entire left turn lane missing a light, you should go to jail

One week of the sun setting before 5pm

This is my legacy