“Asgardians Of The Galaxy?” Ridiculous. The galaxy does not even have an ass to guard.

I accidentally dropped my iPhone from 89 feet in the air. Fortunately, it was in airplane mode, so I’m sure it’s fine.

Earth is confusing. Who is the deranged man, and why does he want to grab felines?

What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.

“Mortal Kombat?” I think “IMMORTAL Kombat” would be a more interesting premise.

If you go home with an Earth woman you met at a bar, and she has the banner from the former Soviet Union hanging on her wall, that’s a big red flag.

I have NEVER smelled moth balls. I simply do not have the patience to pry their little legs apart.

Last Christmas, Mantis told me nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I gave her nothing. She cried with joy. 😊#GuardiansOfTheGalaxy

What is wrong with nuts, and why are they suddenly being boycotted? Allergies?

🎵…𝑅𝑒𝒾𝓃, 𝓇𝑒𝒾𝓃, 𝓇𝑒𝒾𝓃, 𝓇𝑒𝒾𝓃, 𝓇𝑒𝒾𝓃 𝒟𝑒𝑒𝓇, 𝒹𝑒𝑒𝓇, 𝒹𝑒𝑒𝓇, 𝒹𝑒𝑒𝓇, 𝒹𝑒𝑒𝓇

I see the faces, but where is the book?

I hit Quill in the head with a soda. Do not worry; it was a soft-drink.

Quill is teaching us a dance called "The Hokey Pokey." I was afraid I was getting addicted to it. Fortunately, I turned myself around.

Quill is pathetic, but he is sometimes wise. x.com/PeterQuill_/st…

I do not understand why the Nova Corps tried to detain Baby Groot. He hates nap time, so I simply told them that he was resisting a rest.

What is wrong with spreading butter? x.com/kurtwagner_/st…

Ridiculous. She isn't even sweating. x.com/peterquill_/st…

Quill bought some new boots from a drug dealer. I do not know what he laced them with, but he's been tripping all day.

A shame. Next time, use an alarm clock. x.com/matchstickkevi…

Pleased to meet you, Wakanda. I am Drax. x.com/king_tchalla_/…