Beth refuses to let me try her cocktail and announces that I have been secretly sipping it in her absence

Leah says that she’s “too woke to watch Pocahontas.”

Beth says that mother has the eyes of a “startled garage animal”

Beth calls the moon “a fat ass”

Beth calls my infant child “a bag of dicks.”

Leah’s husband drops a baby wipe in my coffee and then allows me to drink it.

Beth calls me and Max “Nazis” for not wanting to use a netipot

Beth shares an article I showed her about people seeing “Cats” on acid without so much as mentioning that I found it first.

Leah looks at my new pants and says “well, you tried something.”

Leah asks me to refer to her as “the first daughter of House Wolff”

Beth refers to their finger booboo as “a disability”

Leah says my foot looks like it was drawn by a Rugrats animator.

Beth insists on us referring to their swim ensemble as “swoutfit”

Beth man spreads all over my couch, calls it “lying down”

Leah interrupts me telling our parents about my promotion to say “I also have shit going on” and holds up her bird sculpture

Leah steals my phone and when caught says “oops...we have the same case.” We do not.

Leah says to no one in particular, “things are finally looking up for ol’ Leahster.”

Leah describes my outfit as “too much.”

Leah gets rain water in my birthday taco.

Beth casually compares me to a Harry Potter goblin